A spot of polite badgering descended into ruthless aggression this past Saturday as the Battersea Badgers took on Southbank CC on the hallowed ground of DSG. On the fixture sheet Dickie had inadvertently signed us up for a Steel Cage Match but the Captain’s opted for the more traditional 11-man tag team setup and having won the toss, Captain Gerrard sent the Badgers into bat.
With the match scheduled for one fall, Robin and Brayden made their entrance with plenty of pyrotechnics. Robin slammed 7 of his first 10 balls over the top of the rope for 4, racing his way into the 30s. Brayden chopped a couple of boundaries of his own to open his account and scored freely to put on a partnership of 58 for the first wicket, departing for a stylish 21. Liam tagged in, applying the sharpshooter to the Southbank bowlers and putting on the second 50 partnership of the innings, but a mix up in the middle saw Robin and Liam clothesline each other and the subsequent runout sent Robin from the field with 53 runs to his name, hobbling like a pumped up Vince McMahon. Evoking fond memories of late 90s wrestling, Skipper TG donned his trunks and made his way to the middle to lay the smackdown on the Southbank bowling himself. Liam and Tom brawled with the Southbank bowling, sending the ball all over the park for 10 overs that added 76 runs before Liam found himself caught for 42.
“Hash, get the tables” barked the skipper. With Stone Cold Steve Thomas out of action, Tom took on the mantle of Texas Rattlebadger himself, stomping a mudhole in the Southbank bowling figures. Hash Hogan put in a championship innings of his own, haymaking his way to 42 in a partnership worth 88 with the skipper. Tom kept on going, reaching his 50 before anyone else had realised, and laying down a series of stone cold stunning boundaries to clear 90 heading into the final over. Jacques tagged in late on, adding a few runs of his own, but TG held the strike for the final over. “Give him the chair!” The Badgers called from the crowd, holding up their cardboard signs and championship belts. Tom knocked his opponent over the top rope for 6 to reach a marvellous century and tipping the Badgers score over 300. The Badgers set the score of 316 to win and, reminiscent of his hero Stone Cold Steve Thomas, Captain Gerrard offered some kind words of encouragement to the opposition: “Badgers 3:16 says I just whipped your ass!”*
At tea, we played a game of “Can you smell what the Badgers are cooking?” Turns out it was a batch of sausage rolls Karl had prepared to pay an overdue debt to Stu Barker’s wife. “Is the cardamom I’m getting?” Alex asked. “Fennel seeds”, Karl replied.
The bell rang and the Badgers took to the field. Hash and Beeks opened up proceedings, under-taking a wicket each to leave Southbank 2 down within the first ten overs. Jacques took a brief respite from colour commentary duties alongside Stu Barker to take a brace of comfortable catches behind the stumps. Karl came on with runs to play with and a tight few overs in the middle of his spell saw 2 wickets fall. Alex picked up one in the middle leaving Southbank teetering on 111-5, but despite the Badger chokehold they did not submit.
10 overs of probing away couldn't pin Southbank down and an expensive period yielded 77 runs to bring them back into the match. James Beeken channeled Macho Man Randy Savage with an elbow drop fielding in the covers. Dickie appeared ringside to antagonise from the ropes. But it was a finishing move from Hash that broke the crucial partnership, pinning the Southbank opening batsman on 82. After that the remaining wickets fell cheaply, Beeks bowled the other half of Southbank's belligerent partnership for 25, Jezza picked up a glorious 5 star caught behind and Alex cleaned up with a superbly executed piledriving yorker to rattle the stumps and deliver a well earned victory to Captain Gerrard’s Badgers.
Over victory jugs, Tom put on his leather waistcoat and bald cap to deliver the post-match promo and commissioned a lengthy video hype package of his century which he’ll be screening via Pay-Per-View later this month. “Can I get a hell yeah?” he asked, then smashed some cans together and flipped us the bird before driving off on an ATV - leaving the Badgers bamboozled but victorious. We return to defend our DSG championship next week in the 2026 Chris Packham Cup against the Paddington Rabbits, live on Monday Night Raw.
*he didn't really, we remained very cordial with the oppo all day.