With the new season mere weeks away, the Badgers are emerging from their setts, ready for action. Here’s how this year’s squad is shaping up.
Jan ‘Stats’ Marchant
Captain Jan. The man with a plan. All-time leading run-scorer for the Battersea Badgers, he never misses an opportunity to regale you with the finer points of any of his innings from any of the previous 5 seasons. He’ll be looking to add the Badger captaincy to his repertoire of cricketing success stories.
Tom ‘Engaged’ Maskell
Vice captain Maskell burst onto the scene in 2009 with a flurry of wickets. One of the most prolific bowlers in the squad, his current form is unknown as he hasn’t been to many nets sessions this year. One can only assume that he’s perfecting his trademark stump demolition pirouette for the 2012 season.
Pete ‘Norman’ Warman
The Warmonger has not let parenthood affect his pre-season preparations, managing to attend an alarming number of nets sessions. Graceful with the bat and a safe pair of hands in the field, he has also been buoyed by the Welsh rugby Grand Slam. Is 2012 the year in which all his sporting dreams come true?
Martin ‘Fingers’ Cloke
Last seen jetting off into the sunset with his new wife in tow, Cloke is yet to be spotted in 2012. Rumour has it that he’s spent the last 3 months putting the finishing touches to his magnificent facial hair, ready to unleash it on an unsuspecting public. Whether this results in a good batting average or an ASBO is yet to be seen.
Alex ‘Inspector’ Morse
Nothing annoys this man more than seeing the ball go to ground on its way back to the bowler. Keep. The. Ball. Up. Guys. Always one to watch in the field. He wants to run you out. He wants to sledge you.
Louise ‘Chairmanwoman’ Hirst
After several trips to Japan, it emerged that Hirst has been working with her fellow science boffins on the formation of a new super-bat. Endorsed by Mr Miyagi himself, it’s as powerful as Godzilla, as streamlined as a bullet train, as lethal as a ninja and as consistent as oft-repeated country stereotypes. Runs are guaranteed.
Chris ‘In the zone’ Shone
Interests include diving in the field and hitting the ball into the leg-side. Anything else isn’t cricket played in the true spirit of the game.
Pete ‘Government’ Jinks
If you’re enjoying a night out, let’s say in Slovenia for the sake of argument, around about midnight, in a bar, and you happen to come across a stranger dressed in full cricket whites, including helmet, gloves, pads and box, the chances are that you will have just met Peter Jinks.
Robin ‘Bam Bam’ Mackrell
Last year’s Badger of the season and the only player to have his own Facebook appreciation page, Mackrell is preparing for his 6th consecutive season in Badger colours. Bat manufacturers take note: just make your bat as heavy as possible and call it something impressive like ‘Goliath’ or ‘War Bastard’. He will definitely buy it.
Jedrzej ‘Difficult name to spell’ Kolesinski
Despite playing more times against the Badgers than for them, Jedrzej will be hoping 2012 can be his breakthrough year. Bringing his unique brand of batting and bowling to the fray, he’s an unknown quantity of which opponents should be wary.
Paul ‘Chunderpaul’ Cole
He owns his own shop! A real shop that sells cricket equipment! Between sales, customers will see him reclining on a leather chaise-longue, spinning a cricket ball in one hand and nursing a Wisden almanac in the other. He is rumoured to have donated new bats to all the King’s Road players with a ‘special’ brand of middle.
Andy ‘Thorpey’ Thorpe
Last year’s broken finger didn’t prevent him from taking at hatful of wickets and averaging over 30 with the bat. He is never happier than when standing at gully, making up louche puns about his team-mates.
J ‘A-team’ D
Violinist extraordinaire. The only place you won’t find him fiddling is the crease, right before he tonks the ball back over your head for 6.
Allyn ‘Playboy’ Blake
The lothario of the team, he has been known to keep a closer eye on the female spectators than he does on the ball. His bowling is fearsome and he uses pretty coloured pens when scoring.
Stuart ‘Laser’ Barker
Do you want to take on Barker? Ok, well he’ll beat you in a marathon for starters. Then he’ll DESTROY YOU at Laser Quest. He’s the six-time European champion for goodness sake. How about taking him on outside the sporting arena? Be my guest. He composed the theme tune to ‘Gladiators’, ghost-wrote ‘The Da Vinci Code’ and can ride a penny farthing. Backwards. Not all of this may be strictly true, but the fact remains that he’s going to score a lot of runs and take a lot of wickets. He’s taking you down. To Chinatown.
Stewart ‘Social’ Mcluskey
Already one of the most effective ‘grenade’ bowlers in south London, he has been working hard in the nets on his one-handed-cover-drive-special-move. Question marks remain over his ability to face the correct way when fielding.
Josh ‘Great Wall of China’ Lee
If you look up ‘Forward Defensive’ in the dictionary you won’t find a picture of this man. Why would you? It’s a dictionary. However, he is very very very good at the shot. Has been known to test the patience of umpires as he always holds the pose for at least 20 seconds after each successful block.
Oli ‘Seating Problems’ Blaiklock
Winner of 2010’s most-improved-player award, he rested on his laurels somewhat by only playing one match in the 2011 season. He has enormous difficulty sitting down, so expect him to occupy plenty of time at the crease.
Nick ‘Focus’ Foord
The King’s Road have set up an entire planning committee in an attempt to neutralise this man’s threat in September’s Supertest. They FEAR him. His pre-season was disrupted by a fractured radial head but he’s fit again now, ready to create more made-up names for injuries.
Richard ‘Sheikh’ Dollimore
His rivalry with Pete Jinks reached such dangerous proportions that he was forced to move to the Middle East for the good of the team. A likely return halfway through the summer will no-doubt bolster the side but may also produce a few accidental run-outs when the pair bat together.
Alex ‘Higgs Boson’ Shires
Hit him for a boundary at your peril. He’s got his hands on a Large Hadron Collider and could end the world any day now.