Think of something wet. Now, picture it getting wetter still (keep it clean Mcluskey). No, wetter than that. Much wetter. Now chuck a bucket of water over it. In fact, make it five buckets. Stick it under the shower. Turn the shower controls to maximum. No you fool, it’s not one of those weedy showers. Not the kind that your mum used to dunk you under when you’d been playing in the bins again. It’s a top of the range power shower. It’s MC Hammer’s shower! He’s bound to have a good one. The water is gushing down. It’s absolutely soaking. He’s rapping away and trying to tell you that you can’t touch this and it’s true, you can’t. You really can’t because everything’s too wet. Uh oh, here come the riot police with the water cannons! They’ve smashed your back doors in (I’m warning you Mcluskey, this is a family website) and they’ve unleashed their torrent. It’s everywhere! You’re floundering around, desperately trying to stop because it’s Hammertime but the water is unrelenting. You’re soaked to the skin and you’re a shell of the human being you once were.
Now, and only now, do you have some idea of the playing conditions faced by both teams as the Battersea Badgers took on the London Itinerants at Barnes Common.
Despite the weather, there was still much to celebrate for the Badgers. A welcome return to the country by the Sultan of Thorpe meant there would be a five-fold increase in the number of dives at gully and a seven-fold increase in the number of tales told regarding massive sixes hit on tour in Slovenia. The game even started more or less on time, only held up by the tardiness of Shone and Cloke, who were also carrying Warman’s kit and preventing him from being ready as well (he declined Cloke’s suggestion of fielding in his pants).
So the match began, with the Badgers quickly reducing the opposition to 54/4. Hamblin, Dollimore and Walker all struck, however a stand of 117 runs swung the momentum back to the Itinerants. All of a sudden it was the Badger fielders living the itinerant lifestyle regularly travelling to the bushes to search for the lost ball. Foord, clearly confused by the absence of sunshine and therefore the lack of a barbeque, decided enough was enough and bowled a couple of batsmen in his one-over spell, hastening the opposition’s demise to 185/8 off 26 overs. 8 wickets quickly became the end of the innings when it emerged that two Itinerants had still not made it to the ground and so 20 very wet players took an early tea.
With the rain still refusing to relent and the ball refusing to pitch without splashing, the Badgers decided that attack was the best form of attack, with Warman proving adept at squelching his foot to the pitch and pinging the ball to the boundary. Signalling the early boundaries at least gave the luckless umpires Cade and Hamblin something to do other than get soaked to the skin.
A few quick wickets meant the match was very much in the balance and a steady hand was required to steer the good ship Badger back into port. Having spent a large portion of the month meticulously positioning football stickers into his Panini album, Jinks’ hands proved ideal for the job, cautiously working in early singles before unleashing their full angry Buddha wrath on the flagging bowlers. He finished on 73 not out and guided the Badgers to a four-wicket victory.